Whenever my birthday rolls around, more often than not, I’m either scheming how to avoid everyone I know or skip town completely. I’m one of those people who, in my adult life, realized that I’m just not a birthday person—not my own anyway.

That said, I’m always hyper-aware of which celebs and general persons of interests share my birthday, and it happens that every paparazzo’s favorite meal ticket, Lindsay Lohan, not only shares the same day but also the same year.

We’re exactly the same age (give or take a few hours) and ironically grew up only a couple towns apart on Long Island. Yet her life’s trajectory took her to stardom followed by infamy and mine took me to a bachelors degree in theater and a full-time writing gig. Still, every July 2, I often find myself reciting “Mean Girls” lines and wishing ol’ LiLo a happy birthday.

Not that she necessarily needs it, since she’s more than likely celebrating hard enough for the both of us. Let’s review.

28 years old

According to Instagram, Lilo’s friends threw what I can assume is a marina-themed party with a mysterious hashtag, she got into a scrape on a Citibike (with reference to same mysterious hashtag), and got her nails did—excellent “Mean Girls” reference following, natch.

I spent my 28th birthday in the wilds of Amherst, MA. My boyfriend and I took a partially-planned road trip out of New York to check out weird estate sales in some towns that actually have estates. We ended up going to a new-age spa too, which was weird but cool because the lady who worked there kept calling me “my child” which is a nice thing to hear as you get older. It rained all day and we went to a midnight theater showing of “Snowpiercer.”

27 years old
It’s been highly publicized that Lindsay spent her 27th birthday in rehab. It was fancy rehab in Malibu for rich people, but rehab is rehab. I hope she at least had her personal chef make her favorite kind of cake (strawberry shortcake? Chocolate ganache?) as she swam laps in what aerial footage shows us is a gorgeous outdoor swimming pool on the grounds. Probably not as fun when the only person allowed to visit you is your lawyer though.

I spent my 27 birthday in sweltering New  York. The only notable events I remember are getting a mani-pedi, seeing “The Bling Ring”  (yes, in the theater) and eating a bunch of birthday cake truffles from Momofuku Milk Bar. My lawyer was not in attendance. Really wish I had a swimming pool though.

26 years old
Having been treated for exhaustion only several days prior while shooting Liz & Dick, Lindsay blew off steam on her 26th birthday at West Hollywood hotspot Bootsy Bellows, and it’s reported that she danced all night with her friends and Sprinkles sent her cupcakes and everyone sang happy birthday.

I, on the other hand, spontaneously drove to the Hamptons with my roommate at the time, and we broke into her parents’ newly built and unoccupied summer home and watched cable television in central air conditioning. It truly was a pauper’s paradise—especially when we discovered a nest of spiders occupying the beach umbrellas we found in the garage. Chic.

25 years old
Lilo spent her 25th dining with family at a Malibu restaurant, celebrating her recent release from house arrest. She sported a chic white toga-inspired minidress and pink peep-toe heels, with miles of bare legs as if to boast their freedom from the literal shackles where an ankle monitor once lived.

I was working at a bourgeois furniture boutique at the time and spent the day pushing sectional sofas onto new condo residents in Williamsburg, Brooklyn. HBD to me, indeed.

No one punched me on my 24th birthday.

23 years old
Celebrating her 23rd birthday AND her Sevin Nyne brand tanning mist, a rather orange Lindsay is presented a novelty-sized cake at the MGM Grand Hotel’s Wet Republic Pool. No pants, no problem.

I had a “low-key” birthday dinner with my family at one of my favorite East Village restaurants. Afterwards I was somehow corralled into a karaoke club on to discover my roommate at the time had planned a surprise party with all our friends. What he wasn’t aware of was that karaoke is on my list of most loathed activities.

22 years old
This was around the time of the big is-she-or-isn’t-she rumors surrounding her romance with DJ Samantha Ronson. We all know how that turned out, but speculation was definitively stoked at Lilo’s 22nd birthday bash at The Hollywood Roosevelt Hotel. It was an ’80s prom-themed bash and Ronson DJ’ed. Birthday smooches were in order.

I’m pretty sure I spent this birthday getting kicked out of Happy Endings lounge in the LES because one of my friends got in a fight or something. I’m actually not sure what happened, but I do remember having some really dope tiramisu before all that.

21 years old
What a lovely 21st birthday Lindsay had—surrounded by friends and family on the beach and also at a “private residence in Malibu California” according to Getty Images.

I was in London, alone, for my 21st birthday, pretty much negating that American rite of passage. I did however eat some pretty tight shepard’s pie.

20 years old
It’s reported that Linds, in a thrifty turn of events, had Life & Style, “sponsor” her birthday party at The Polaroid Beach House in Malibu to the tune of $100k in exchange for exclusive photos of said party. I mean, if your birthday party is going to get snapped anyway by people selling their photos to tabloids, might as well have the tabloid pay for your party, right? Apparently, it was crawling with celebrities—LiLo wasn’t particularly tragic yet.

You know what—I may not have been invited to Lilo’s 20th birthday but I was eating my weight in pasta and gelato in the south of Italy, overlooking a seaside cliff. *mic drop*

19 years old
Little Lilo was all about the bash, deigning to celebrate her 19th birthday in conjunction with her film “Herbie Fully Loaded” premiere’s after-party. We all know the after party is where it’s at anyway, so good on you, Linds. There was obviously not one drop of booze at this fete—she was underage, guys.

I’m pretty sure I did absolutely nothing on my 19th birthday and I’m pretty sure I was on Long Island at the time, on summer break between my freshman and sophomore years of college. Ugh.

18 years old
Supposedly, Lindsay spent her 18th birthday partying at Avalon in L.A. Wow, I didn’t know you could get into clubs while under 21, but then again when you’re young and famous you can do lots of things we plebs can’t get away with, so I’ll shrug it off as a technicality. Notably, she did go public about her romantic relationship with then-boyfriend, Wilmer Valderrama, who was 24 at the time. Ah young (legal) love.

On my 18th birthday, I drove to Lido Beach on Long Island with my then boyfriend and he got sunburnt really badly.

So, there you have it. Anyone else born on July 2? Let me know how your birthdays compared to Linz in the comments below!